Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 10:29:45 -0800
From: Ravven
To: Firesong, Graeagle, Joshua, Phil, Todd, Slash, Valeri
Subject: Fwd: Men (#5 is for Phil)
1. Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
2. Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.
3. Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.
4. Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.
5. Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
6. Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
7. Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-I mean, how the hell could he know where we’re going?
8. Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or beer, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.
9. Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is okay, I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!
10. Because I’m a man, I am capable of announcing, “One more beer and I really have to go”, and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what’s the connection?
11. Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.
12. Because I’m a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
13. Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
14. Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.
Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 11:26:17 -0800
From: Slash
To: Ravven. Firesong, Graeagle, Joshua, Phil, Todd, Valeri
Subject: RE: Fwd: Men (#5 is for Phil)
I find this all grossly unfair and feminocentric. When will you feminists finally understand the special needs of men? Now, my point by point rebuttal:
1. Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
*There is a .01 percent chance that the coathanger will work. Men aren’t stupid, we just always think that we will beat the odds. If we didn’t, we would never get involved with women. The odds of opening your car door with a hanger are slightly better than any given relationship working out.
2. Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.
*This is a deeply spiritual ritual, not unlike primitive man staring into the sky and making pictures out of the stars. We stare at the engine to remind ourselves that there are some things we just aren’t meant to understand.
The drinking of alcoholic beverages signifies acceptance of our role as observer.
3. Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.
*This one is true, and requires no rebuttal.
4. Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.
*This is also true, but requires explanation. Cumin and Tofu are kept on aisles that a man would never even consider walking down. If the groceries you want are not kept near the beer or the cheetos, how can you possibly expect us to find them?
5. Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
*See rebuttal to point 2. Phil, just keep taking things apart, it shows a deep reverence for all things complicated and unknowable. It is this same fascination that attracts us to women.
6. Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
*Now you are picking on our deepest insecurity. That something on another channel might be better than what we are currently watching. I sometimes wake from a terrible nightmare where I am watching one channel, and unknown to me the USA channel is rerunning “The Terminator.” If I didn’t flip, how would I ever know?
7. Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-I mean, how the hell could he know where we’re going?
*We don’t want to ask, because we know that whenever someone asks us for directions, we deliberately send them in the wrong direction. People who ask for directions are just begging for a practical joke.
8. Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or beer, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.
*Not true, sometimes we think of sex AND beer. Especially when watching beer commercials. Which is why you need the remote! If you aren’t flipping, you might miss a really good beer commercial, and then what would you have to think about?
9. Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is okay, I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!
*I will tell the awful truth. Your mother is a psycho. We know it. Everyone knows it. The only person who doesn’t see it is you. We avoid your mother because we don’t wish to be put in a situation where we are forced to reveal our knowledge of this fact in her presence. You never know how a psycho will respond to being called out.
10. Because I’m a man, I am capable of announcing, “One more beer and I really have to go”, and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what’s the connection?
*Yeah, what is with the clothes thing? Obviously some female ritual men are not meant to understand. If you really loved us, you would let us stay out all night drinking with our friends.
11. Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.
*I would like to amend that to “if you liked it, I didn’t.” Take the number of bloody gunshot wounds, multiply the total times the number of explosions, add three points for each boob shot, and divide by the number of sentimental scenes with unnecessary dialog (anything other than “hasta la vista, baby” is unnecessary). This will give you our guy rating on a scale of 1 to 10. Now you know the secret. Stop asking if we liked it.
12. Because I’m a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
*Women have no sense of history and culture. Did you know that Geddy Lee has won bass player of the year more times than any other bassist?
13. Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
*If you look good, you look good no matter what you are wearing. If you don’t look good, there aren’t enough clothes in the world to change that fact. Sorry but it’s true. The whole “I would look great if I could just find
the right outfit” is a female myth. Oh, we also don’t give a crap about polished fingernails, mascara, and pedicures. Sorry.
14. Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.
*I would be more than happy to hire a housekeeper…
Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 12:10:09 -0700
To: Ravven. Slash, Firesong, Graeagle, Joshua, Todd, Valeri
From: Phil
Subject: No 5 being for me…..
Hmm…
I agree for the most part with Slash’s observations & comments….but what our dear Ravven FAILED to mention was that any or all of the things I’ve taken apart – HAVE been successfully put back together – and almost always in a better state than the sorry one they were in.
I DO know what a feminine hygiene product is, where it’s kept in the store, and where it fits in/on a woman….and YES – I can buy them (if really necessary) – and YES – I can say the word ‘tampon’, or ‘wings’ without blushing…(unlike some people….Ravven?)
As for beer….or thinking about it: sorry – it’s something lost on me totally…alcohol yes….beer (esp. American beer) – no! So – I guess I only have one thing on my mind….!!
Re: looking into the engine compartment of a car….actually – yes…this does help…often the car will ‘speak to you’ – telepathically imparting some deep need to those men who are attuned to the mysteries of the internal combustion engine…and if not – at least the opened hood of the car keeps the rain off…
With regard to mothers, and mothers day…..hmm….well – my mother is 5 1/2 thousand miles away – but I STILL can’t get R to talk to her….so – that’s not a male thing either..!
Clothes….well – what can be said here…I agree with Slash completely….and yes Ravven, you do look good in anything…or nothing… : )
Finally…the housework…I admit – I’m not the most organised guy in the world….but I do know what an iron is for, I can grocery shop without buying Top Ramen or Nachos, like to cook (unlike some…you know who you are!), do my own laundry and don’t have odd socks, or pink ‘whites’…tho the idea of an au pair does appeal…
And as for asking directions…well – as I have found out on numerous occasions – the reasons women ask for directions is because a: most of them cannot distinguish between left and right once they’re seated in a vehicle that
has to be somewhere very soon…and b: cos they develop a strange cartographical dyslexia anytime you really need to find somewhere on the map! For more details – ask R…
There – now I’m off to lunch….
P
Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 13:47:44 -0800
From: Ravven
To: Firesong, Graeagle, Joshua, Phil, Todd, Slash, Valeri
Subject: Re: A Woman’s View of Men
2. Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.
*Men think that they have this cosmic affinity for machinery. This is a commonly-held male myth with about as much validity in real life as women’s belief that with enough love, they can make a prince out of a toad. It ain’t happening. Men believe in the mystical power of swear words on machinery; I suppose that it is remotely possible that the incantation “Come on, you son of whore, work, damn you, work” will magically fix a flat tire on a car with a missing jack, but I have never personally witnessed its success.
3. Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.
*Men turn into children when they’re sick; everyone knows this. The man that wanted you to wear the black rubber corset and scream “Give it to me, big daddy!” the night before now wants you to be a kinder, gentler version of his mother, turning on the cartoons because he’s too weak to hold the remote. He wants grilled cheese sandwiches with olive happy faces and Campbell’s tomato soup.
*On the other hand, if you get sick, it’s a different matter. As someone once said, “Men will respect things like, well, bullet wounds…but if it’s anything else they have a work-it-off mentality. ‘Honey, once you get to vacuuming, you’ll sweat that old flu right out of your system. Well, you’re yelling, you must be feeling better!’ ”
4. Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.
*Men have a highly-perfected response to being asked to do anything resembling household chores or tasks…blank idiocy. They study golden retrievers for that perfect look of innocent incomprehension. “Iron? You mean, like clothes? Why? Don’t yell at me, I know I said I’d help you, since you have a bullet wound and all, honey. Where’s the iron? Oh. Why can’t I iron on the carpet? Don’t yell, you’ll start bleeding again. What? Burning smell? Oh, I’m sorry – I didn’t know silk was so fragile. You sure you don’t mind ironing? Thanks, babe – I’ll just get out of your way and watch the game.”
5. Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
*Garbage disposal. We know what that means, don’t we, Phil? *s*
6. Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
*Men must hold the remote because they channel-surf. They channel-surf because they cannot remain interested for the length of a half-hour sitcom without changing the channels to see if they are missing out on a newer, better program. This does not bode well for relationships. There is always a newer, better program out there.
7. Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-I mean, how the hell could he know where we’re going?
*Yes, I agree that if you stopped and asked another man, he wouldn’t have a clue where we were going. After all, he IS another man, meaning that he’s lost, too. It’s very difficult to give clear, concise directions when your mind is on sex and/or beer.
8. Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or beer, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.
*Women always have to ask what you’re thinking about, because we find it incomprehensible that your mind could be totally occupied by nothing. So when we ask “What are you thinking?” and you say “Nothing,” we have a sneaking suspicion that you are wondering what your next-door neighbor’s sixteen-year-old daughter sleeps in. If you answered honestly, you would say that you were wondering how long you had to hold us after sex before you went to get a beer, or you were wondering what your next-door neighbor’s sixteen-year-old daughter sleeps in. We always know these things.
10. Because I’m a man, I am capable of announcing, “One more beer and I really have to go”, and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what’s the connection?
*If a women goes out with her friends and stays out until 3:00 am, she has an agenda. She wants to get out of the relationship and be free to date the cute twenty-one year old who flirts with her when he gasses her car up. A man, on the other hand, who does the same thing, feels honest astonishment upon staggering home that his wife is highly pissed off and his possessions are lying in the front yard along with his bowling trophy. Doesn’t she know how much he loves her? He just had a few beers with the guys…the red lipstick that the overstuffed redhaired waitress at the bar left on his neck doesn’t mean anything…he doesn’t know where the dent in the front fender came from, or why he has a pair of black nylon panties with “Little Devil” embroidered on the front hanging from the rearview mirror. We just refuse to believe that men are that clueless. Even if they are, the bastards deserve everything you can dish out…including the ultimate revenge of breaking the head off the guy on his bowling trophy. (Ever want to see a man cry? There you go. Don’t say I never taught you anything.)
11. Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.
*Very funny. I have, however, seen the type of movies that men cry over: “Remember Five Fistfuls of Ugly Death, where Bruce Willis got gutshot while he was trying to rescue his buddy from the POW camp, and he was dragging himself through the jungle, carrying his friend on his back, and even though he had to stop, bite open a bullet, pour gunpowder into the wound and ignite it to cauterize it, he was still able to blow up two tanks and four helicopters using a pack of playing cards and a stick of juicyfruit? Man, that scene just tore me up…”
13. Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
*A man, on the other hand, will look for a shirt in the closet, look on the floor of the closet, look in the laundry hamper for an only semi-dirty shirt, and then finally, failing all else because he forgot that he dropped all
his clothing off at his mother’s to wash, will take the old bowling shirt out of the dog bed, brush off some hair, sniff the armpits and (since it smells only of dog, and that’s just about as good as aftershave), put it on and go out on his date. If he really wants to spruce up to impress someone really special, he’ll wear the best, never-fails-to-wow-em t-shirt with the Guns-n-Roses skull and rose logo on the back.
14. Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.
*Like opening locked cars and holding the remote?
Okay, everyone…get BACK TO WORK!!!