Thin Grey Winter Day

Miscellaneous thoughts on a cold, windy Saturday afternoon:

This is exactly it:

“The difference between wishing you were dead and wanting to commit suicide was that wanting to commit suicide was a kind of sad-sack impulse characteristic of losers, and wishing you were dead was just a choice, like oatmeal for breakfast instead of a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Especially now that Buddy knew that his eternal reward was waiting for him, wishing he were dead seemed more like, say, wishing to move to Hawaii or something.”
Horse Heaven, by Jane Smiley

Alernate Reality in the Marketplace:

Today we walked through the marketplace (for everyone back home, the marketplace is a large cobbled area in the centre of town, where on Wednesdays and Saturdays people set up booths and sell things. On Saturdays it’s mainly antiques. Leek has been a market town since 1270 or something.) to look for Christmas presents for my parents. I’d thought of finding a nice watercolour of the village that we live in, as that would be light to ship and very English-y.

There were two Santas collecting for charity on the edges of the market square, and also a large rabbit. I can only assume that this was an “unofficial” collector for charity, as the rabbit suit was filthy and stained, and the bottom of the legs were hanging in tatters, showing his taped-together trainers. He didn’t say anything, just held his cup out to passers-by, one broken rabbit ear hanging over the face of the suit. The whole effect was rather scary and almost threatening, like the rabbit in Donnie Darko. Very creepy and surreal.

Work, work, work:

I need to be disciplined and do some work this weekend. I have one additional image to do for the print ad series, I need to set up the ASP form and database on the radio site so the information that they collect will go directly into the database rather than being mailed, as present, and I wanted to do some work on SpiralDance. I’m starting to learn PHP, and I want to write a content management system for it so that assorted people can act as editors on the site without having full access.

But I am melancholy and tired today, and all I feel like doing is curling up with a book. I’ve made a lot of changes to my life recently, but I still feel as though I’m looking for something more. But where to find the room for it? I’ve started fencing again, I bought another horse, I’m changing jobs, I’m thinking about moving, but there’s still something that I want. I can feel new passions beckoning. Shall I take up surfing? Shall I turn to religion? Shall I turn my back on computers and tech, and become a lad in a racing stable or a groom in a dressage stable in Portugal? Probably not…but you never know. :)

2 thoughts on “Thin Grey Winter Day”

  1. I so saw that rabbit in my head quite vividly as you were describing it. Thanks for the visual *shudder* :P.

    Am so sorry that you’re melancholy and tired today. Sometimes you need to just curl up with a good book. You know, I’m always looking for something more though I most often don’t know exactly what that more might be. Surfing… yeah :) – me, too. And then:

    I want to sculpt metal.
    I want to travel.
    I want to write.
    I want to a scholar.
    I want to be an anthropologist and an archaeologist.
    I want to be a lawyer and a priest and a philosopher.
    I want to be a pioneer and an astronaut.
    I want to be assimilated into another culture.
    I want to be a man for a day.
    I want to be a gay man for a day.
    I want to be a mother again, or not, depending on whether or not that day I still want the kids I’ve got.
    I want to play the mandolin.
    I want to sing the blues.
    I want to be with , and in Baghdad, running up to the roof to see what the explosion was.
    I want it ALL.

    Who knows what we shall accomplish. The future is ours to create.

    You have done so many wondrous and exciting and even truly scary things. I think you always will. It’s a huge part of who you are. You attempt to live life to it’s furthest limits – fully engaged. You’ve lived life far more bravely than most people and it’s one of the things I admire the most about you. Brava, Beautiful.

  2. Yeah, the rabbit guy stayed with me because he was so very creepy. The surfing thing came from having watched a DVD of Blue Crush, because I was really in the mood for a female-athlete-struggling-against-the-odds type of movie. (The movie was marginal, but the overcoming her fear part was interesting.)

    I could see you doing any, and all of the things on your list. I read a book recently in which one of the characters gave another a rather profound piece of advice, something to the effect of: when making any life decision, choose the most active (i.e., the least passive) option. I loved that. We fall into things throughout our entire lives, we stay in the same jobs, we marry the person who happens to be at hand at the time when we start thinking about marriage. Making an active choice, however, could change your life totally. Deciding to accomplish any of the things on your list, or my list, would mean turning things upside down…and that’s where things get very interesting.

    As the old Chinese curse says, “May you live in interesting times.” It may be dangerous and difficult, but by god you’ll have something to tell your grandchildren about at the end of your life. ;)

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