Selling My Soul

davenportdealsI have a work project coming up that will bring in some very much needed cash…but it feels like making a deal with the Devil. My old project has been sold off, evidently, and since I know the project inside out they want me to set it up for the people who now have the rights to the code. They owe me so much money, and we’re so broke…but this feels dirty.

I have to believe that things will turn around, but every time I turn on the news it’s all about the recession, and the rapidly rising unemployment rate. I want another good project, a challenging and groundbreaking one – I want to become a person again and be proud of what I do.

We were spoilt, I admit. We’re not savers (or we wouldn’t be in this position). We had bought an XK8 the week before we found out that the project was going to be closed. I had horses in full care, which is extremely expensive in England. (More than a lot of people spend on their mortgage.) Anything we wanted, we bought. We were grownup kids with big paycheques.

bh_091005And would I sell my soul to have it all back? Yes, I think I would. If I could have horses again to fill that huge aching gap, I would do it in a second. I miss them. I miss never having to worry about anything. I miss being able to hold my head up and be proud of my life. I miss being a person.

So, just show me where to sign.

9 thoughts on “Selling My Soul”

  1. Lovely photo…is that you riding? That horse is so BEAUTIFULLY round, forward, and on the bit!!! Nice, nice, nice! I long ago learned that there are a few things I would never ever EVER give up in this world if I could possibly find a way to avoid it, and my mules (used to have horses but switched to mules a few years ago–I foxhunt and trail ride mine) are one of those things. It makes taking the money for doing something you’re not that thrilled about doing a lot easier to swallow. It’s not selling your soul…it’s really more using the tools at your disposal TODAY to protect and ensure the parts of your life experience that are most important to you. The things that make it all worthwhile. My full time job recently evaporated, and while I have a contract for some six weeks’ worth of work, I have no idea what I’ll be doing after that for money. I only *half* joked to my husband that it was high time I got my phone sex web site going! He wasn’t amused. *grin* But anyway…I’m just glad I keep my equines at home…not very fancy digs, but I see their sweet faces 2 or 3 times a day and it’s relatively inexpensive.

  2. Thank you. :) Yep, that’s my TB mare Lizzie. Total psycho, but a real campaigner in the ring. She’d be throwing her normal fits, but when you lined up to go into the ring, she’d get down to business. You could practically hear her say “Just sit back and don’t do anything stupid. I know this damned test better than you do, so just let me do my job.”

    That’s a lovely picture, and a gorgeous mule. I’ve always been curious about mules – the only thing I know about them is that they’re very intelligent and have interesting personalities which can be tricky to deal with.

    I miss horses so much. Granted, it will take me a long time to crawl back out of this financial hole, but as soon as I’m back on my feet, I’m getting another horse. I’ve had horses since I was ten years old, and it doesn’t feel right without them.

  3. Sell your soul, don’t sell it cheap. You’ll trick the Devil later, at least in stories he is usually quite naive.

    And seriously, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Even if it feels dirty, your financial and psychical well-being is worth so much more. Get on your feet asap. Then make bold moves. Bold moves made while laying hurt on the floor don’t look really bold.

  4. “Bold moves made while laying hurt on the floor don’t look really bold.”

    Very funny, and very true. :) I suppose it doesn’t matter now, in this situation, if money is coming from a dishonest source. In another time, another situation, yes – but perhaps not now.

  5. *very familiar* with horselessness…*hugs* cuz I know how empty that feeling is. You’ll have a horse again, you just wait and see!

    I had TBs my whole life til I switched to mules. OMFG, what an amazing difference. In ALL the good ways. But then, I got both my mules as unbroken 18-month olds and brought them along myself. So they are very good, esp. the older one who is divine. Wish you were on my side of the pond–we could have some fun riding out!

  6. Ty: I sincerely hope so. I’ve stated that I won’t do anything without a significant lump-sum payment in advance. I may have questionable morals, but I’m not a total skank. :D

  7. If there are two sexier words in the English language than ‘questionable morals’, I don’t know what they are.

    Glad to hear you’re getting your cash up front this time. Stick it to ’em.

  8. lol…

    That’s a definite yes on the money-up-front thing. Especially since I had a conference call late last night regarding an associated project that wandered into “Alice in Wonderland” territory…everyone was mad. Lots of people who had learned some techspeak that didn’t quite mean what they thought it did, confusing me greatly and making my head hurt.


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