Going through old mail and text files, bored and avoiding working on last changes to a site:

(On going to war over religion:) You’re basically killing each
other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire’ and the computer will say, ‘Specify type of goat.’

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole

Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are
apparently doing quite well for themselves.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be
devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a house. A kid, about 12 years old, answers the door. He’s wearing a pink tutu, has a cigar in one hand, and a martini in the other. The salesman is a little taken aback, so he asks “Excuse me son, are your parents home?” The kid takes a big puff on the cigar and answers, “What the fuck do you think?”

Ah, hell. I suppose I’d better get back to work.

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