End of a Long Weekend

I’ve spent the weekend (on and off – amongst other things) working on new images. It’s crap at first, as always when you set something aside for years; but I can feel that I’m getting back into a productive phase.

Phil and I NOT good, unfortunately, despite trying to keep out of each other’s way. Are two people ever in the same relationship, at the same time? There were times when I remember being very happy with him, only to find something way after the fact that indicates that he was running around the office with his dick in his hand at the time. Sorry, a bit graphic, but it jsut seems to suit. Obviously HE wasn’t happy…so was I living a fantasy of my own making? Obviously I was. So, how can you trust anything? It’s one thing to be in the situation that we are now, where it’s all been destroyed and we’re just picking through the rubble. But what about the happy times that you find out actually weren’t? Can I trust my judgement again? Can I risk caring for someone who might turn out to be this sexual secret agent, chasing anything that moves and pretending to be loving at home? How can you trust what people do, and say?

I hate feeling so stupid. Fool me once, shame on you, as the saying goes. Fool me a couple of dozen times, and I should put a gun to my head, because obviously I am too stupid to be allowed out on my own.

4 thoughts on “End of a Long Weekend”

  1. aleraechraidhe

    As much as it hurts to have to learn our life lessons on our own, we have too. we can not just allow others to learn them for us or tell us what it is we must do. Its these lessons that are also the hardest to learn and the hardest. They are also the ones we fall hardest from when it takes longer to learn…but who am I to say anything on this topic, huh????

    Be well and do what is right for you and only you.


  2. Very well said. :) The hardest to learn, and also the ones we fall hardest from…I like that. I suppose the real lesson is that we can never entirely protect ourselves from bad things in life, and building walls just means that we block out the good things, as well.

  3. I found it very hard to trust after my ex-fiance not only cheated on me, but told people we’d broken up weeks before it actually happened, then told people I was stalking her (from 4 states away no less!).. luckily the guy she cheated on me with is one of the few truly honorable guys I’ve ever met.. not only did he dump her and refuse to see her again once he found out we’d not broken up, but he consistently dispelled any lies she had to say about me.. but at any rate I was going somewhere with this….

    Trust is a tricky bird.. I think inherently we want to trust other people, but once we get burned we all react differently.. When I found myself consistently getting burned in relationships I took a long hard look to see what *I* was doing that was causing it.. sure enough I was the problem.. well a big part of it.. this isn’t to say you are to blame, but sometimes we make the same destructive mistakes and we need to self evaluate what those are so we can stop making them..

    I have white knight syndrome.. I want to ‘rescue’ a damsel/woman in distress.. I think I can ‘fix’ all her problems and she’ll be happy and we’ll go on like its a perfect world.. now that I know I have this problem, I can identify women I see in that light and steer myself away from them romanticly but still try and help them on a friendship level..

    So maybe its time for some introspection? Or maybe he’s just a walking gland, and it’s so ingrained in him nothing could change it..

  4. That’s very true. I’ve always had problems with trust, and I think have always gone for guys that would reinforce my unspoken belief that men can’t be trusted. That’s a tough chain to break, though, when it’s not done conciously – even though it IS obviously very destructive.

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