Erk…drank way too much last night, then couldn’t sleep, and found myself reading and then on the computer until 2:30am. Not the best day today, consequently.
I think I have problems in my online relationships with other people, specifically guild relationships. I’ve gone through a few guilds since leaving my longtime guild, and haven’t found a place to settle yet. You have to reach a point where you say (if you’re honest) maybe it’s me.
It doesn’t feel like me…I’m always friendly in guildchat (though never overly chatty, being a shy type), I help people out when I can, and I’m the most responsible person in a raid that you’ll ever see. I do treat raiding as a job; I enjoy it that way. I’ll research new bosses and always be there early, repaired, restocked, loaded with potions and buff food. I try my ass off…which was one of the points that I made to the warlock class leader that I had a short but unpleasant conversation with last night.
What he wanted was for me to not play Kit. Oh, I’m sure he didn’t mean ever, but to spend the majority of my time on my main. That would have been a reasonable request IF I had had a regular raid spot…but if I’m just wasting time, I prefer to do it on a character that is efficient at grinding, that can get some gear in 5-mans that she can actually use. Ravven can craft armour that is much better than most things that will drop for her. Hence the request to let me bring Kit into the guild, so I wasn’t shut out from guildchat. It shouldn’t matter which character I’m on, it’s still me, and I’m still contributing, not taking anything away from the guild.
Shocked to the bone by the request that I don’t play alts, I said goodnight and logged off. It felt like an absolutely unreasonable request, given that I have non-raiding/sub status. But perhaps…just perhaps it’s me. Do I come across as being disagreeable or disruptive? I can’t think that I could possibly seem like that. But none of us see ourselves clearly.
It’s a game, and I’m in a guild filled with mostly kids (based on the raid times, I have to be one of the few people with a fulltime job). It’s silly to be upset over this, I know. And yet I am. Upset enough to still be awake and drinking at 2:30 am, knowing that the alarm was going to go off at 6:00 am.
I still have the decision to make…do I try again? Do I apply to another guild? Or do I quit entirely? I don’t want to – WoW has saved my life and my sanity over the course of this project. Taking this job felt like falling down a black hole, like being eaten alive. Gaming has definitely helped with stress management, and escapism has saved me. I’m so not sure what to do.
I just want to find a home, with mature people who have fun raiding, who help each other, who treat each other well. I want to belong.